he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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