he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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