Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
