Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
