Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
