haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
