My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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