Don't make out with my wife yet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize