shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
