If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
