wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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