Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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