I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
