Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
