I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I did not marry a roomba.
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