My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm both gender and math confused
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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