saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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