Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
