I feel great
I just peed on a car
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
