you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
