he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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