Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
