Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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