he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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