Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
