the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
