if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
