I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
