You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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