I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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