i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
