if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
