Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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