i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
