Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
