Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
