i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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