I didn't shave. On purpose
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Randomize
