i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
