I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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