She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm passing your future prison.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
