I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
