What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
