I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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