I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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