Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
