i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
