his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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