another moral hangover. fuck.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
