I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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