You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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