You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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