her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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