we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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