my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
