She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
