We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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