He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
