In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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