quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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