I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
