I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I cut my penus on the lid.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
