you have to choose: penises or morals?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize