Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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